DEAR GROEZINGER CUSTOMER,
Happy new year y’all!! Last summer I had an overly concerned mother in the store who was losing it because her son’s hero, Manny Ramirez, was using steroids. Not having a son that plays golf, I can only imagine the attempted current interventions. “Mom! Why is there a lacrosse stick and a shotgun where my golf clubs were, and where the f**k is my Paula Creamer poster and my cell phone?” Too bad it had to be the brother. I mean, we’re all used to this behavior in other sports, but this Chinaman infiltrated the whitest sport in America this side of Nascar and brought a whole bunch of whores with him. Fun. It’s not like the rest of the tour doesn’t enjoy a hooker or two or three. Everyone thought it was cool when Freddy Couples was splaying bimbos with his 12 inch putter. Not so much here. I find it refreshing that snobby golfers have been reduced to idolizing coke snorting and kinky hooker screwing scumbags just like Kid Rock fans do. “Hey, son, you wanna go play a quick nine?”……”Not today, Dad, but if you wanna ditch Mom at home and go score some hookers before I do my homework, that’d be great.”  It’s a crazy, filthy world we live in, and when our infrastructure and morals crumble we must ask ourselves one question and embrace the answer….. “Does Groezinger’s still have that phenomenal 3 case shipping deal?” You bet your marriage we do. $80 ships three cases anywhere in the continental United States!! That’s only $26.67 a box when you ship three of ‘em. $20 per case ships wine to our good neighbors in California, Oregon, and Washington. WE SHIP ANYWHERE-except Utah.  $30-$45 ships one case via UPS to most states and if you live in one of the few states still suffering from Prohibition era restrictions, we’ll bootleg it to you for $60 on one case, $90 for two, and only $80 for three!!! These prices make it CHEAP and EASY to get great wine where ever you may be playing. Let go of your putter and call for your tee time.

LIKE TIGER WOODS’ COUSIN TONY SAYS ABOUT HOOKERS, THESE WINES ARE GRRRRRREAT!!!

1.) 2006 O’SHAUGHNESSEY, Cabernet Sauvignon, Howell Mountain, Napa Valley-$68.00 Wasssup with you not wanting this last month? Maybe you spent yer money on lacrosse sticks and shotguns. You better remain faithful to us or we’ll come to your gated community and throw magnums through your windshield. That’s right, we CRAY-ZEE!!
2.) 2006 GRACE FAMILY, Blank Vineyards, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley–$125.00 Philanthropize a few of these into you cellar and you’ll make the world a better place. Dick Grace donates ALL THE PROFIT from his wines to third world countries to build schools and hospitals. It’s so much better to provide help to suffering children than to help the Hundred Acre guy buy another Ferrari or to help Beckstoffer get another vineyard. Think about it…800-356-3970
3.) 2006 OUTPOST, Cabernet Sauvignon, True Vineyard, Howell Mountain, Napa Valley–$79.00 We asked for this and they said NO in’07, NO in ’08, & NO in ’09. Only 350 cases produced, and we’ve got all you want in 2010. Ultra elegant and silky, this is expressive of Howell Mountain without the tannic overload or abusive oak interference.
4.) 2006 DUNN, Cabernet Sauvignon, Howell Mountain, Napa Valley–$71.00 Maybe you don’t want fancy-assed new-fangled Howell Mtn. Cab because you want the wine that started the whole Howell Mtn. craze over thirty years ago.
5.) 2006 DUNN, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley–$62.00 A good portion of this wine is from the old Howell holler.
6.) 2007 SEAN MINOR, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley–$17.00 The good thing that comes from a crappy economy is high quality cheap wine. $100 juice is going into $50 bottles, $50 juice is going into $25 bottles and so on. This is about $36 delicious for $17, a sweet deal. It’s all handcrafted Napa goodness, not purchased bulk juice. Flavors of black cherry, cassis, chocolate and tobacco will appease your fussy palate while saving you money for a new three iron.
7.) 2008 SEAN MINOR, Pinot Noir, Napa Carneros–$17.00 Need some tasty Pinot to pour for the whores on your next “golf trip?” It’s smooth and silky with a great mouthfeel and loads of fruit, sure to please even the sluttiest of sluts.
8.) 2007 ST. INNOCENT, Pinot Noir, Momtazi Vineyard, Willamette Valley, Oregon–$36.00 This was Tiger’s old house wine before he started pouring Le Petite Vice Cab and Folie A Deux’s Menage a Trois. It also happens to be the best ’07 Pinot from Oregon on our scorecard, and we’re not cheating or lying. Not at work, not on the links, not in bed.
“A Magnum® full of Pinot Noir” is what wine savvy hookers call Tiger’s giant and relentlessly insatiable one wood.
9.) 2007 ALTROCEDRO, Malbec Reserva, Mendoza, Argentina–$32.00 This stuff is so good and has so much terroir it’s hard to believe Malbec came from France and not from the mountains of Mendoza. This wine makes me think of being raped by 8 smoking hot Argentinean supermodels and winning a new set of Nike blades & woods for surviving.
10.) 2008 BROWN, Zinfandel, Napa Valley-$33.00 This stuff is as jammy as the new Phish tour without all the ecstasy.

FEATURED RED WINES

2005 PARADOR, Red Table Wine, (53%Cabernet Sauvignon/47%Temperanillo), Napa Valley-$39.00
Like Tiger Woods, we like to lead off with something big, dark, and swingin’ in every one of our twelve monthly newsletters. Usually that would entail a big fat and bangin’ Napa Cab, but this month we’re getting all freaky on you and adding a little latin passion to the mix. Parador is perhaps California’s only successful effort at capturing the power, complexity, and spirit of the great wines of Spain’s Ribera del Duero region. Winemaker and friend Steve Ventrello sources these grapes from two stellar vineyards in Napa; the Cabernet is from the incredible Hossfeld vineyard just south of Stag’s Leap, known for its tiny berries and slow but even ripening and long hang-time, and the Temperanillo is sourced from the famous Rancho Chimiles vineyard where cuttings from Spain were planted specifically for Steve. Thick and heavy black cherry and cassis Cabernet flavors integrate flawlessly with the forward red fruit, violet, dried herb, crushed rock, smoked meat and leather characteristics of Temperanillo, all wrapped up in a moderate dusting of ripe and velvety tannins. The Parador Red pairs well with anything big red wines pair with (especially lamb), tastes great on its own, and will continue to develop for the next 8+ years. This is truly a spectacular wine, hombres.

2005 PARAS VINEYARDS, Merlot, Estate Grown, Mt. Veeder, Napa-$29.00
Here’s another big surprise that’ll completely satisfy your secret desires and won’t lead your wife or significant other to batter your car with a three iron and cost you millions in “shut the f___ up” money. That’s right, it’s a Merlot, but make no mistake, when you pour this for your mistress or mister-ess they’ll be givin’ you freebies for as long as your stash of this wine holds up. This hard driving red wine is made by Douglas Danielak, a rising star in the Napa Valley, who has squeezed the essence out of these rugged mountain grapes, producing a dense and extracted blackish-purple libation revealing gobs of wild blackberry jam, melted dark chocolate, espresso powder, unlit cigar, licorice and the hallmark Mt. Veeder mint and mineral characteristic found in many of the great reds of this appellation. Not your typical nineteenth hole Merlot, this wine comes with the sexy fury of a pissed off Swedish supermodel. You might screw around with some other wines on the side, but when this is gone, it’ll be the one you always remember. Get some now.

2006 DOMAINE DROUHIN, “Laurène”, Pinot Noir, Estate, Willamette Valley, Oregon-$65.00
Without a doubt, Domaine Drouhin’s Laurène is one of the finest and most consistently great Pinot Noirs in the New World, certainly one of the benchmark wines that all other Pinots from Oregon and California are judged. And with good reason: these Frenchies more or less pioneered and gave credibility to the Oregon wine industry. Veronique Drouhin bleeds Pinot, and this majestic wine rivals many of the top wines of her native Bourgogne. Mind numbing in  complexity and length, this Grand Cru of Dundee oozes the combined sex appeal of eight confirmed mistresses and probably will that of reveal many more as time goes by. The scandalous flavors and aromas of crushed cherry and ripe plum, baking spice, black truffle, smoldering ash, toasted brioche, and perfumed, lipstick stained bed sheets make this wine irresistible for all the right reasons. Simply put, this wine is a must have for any Pinotphile, cellar keeper, collector, or lover of great red wine. Hide this away from the missus for 3-5 years and she’ll be way less pissed off about you buying it, or risk it all for love and consume this little beauty tonight over a several hour session.

2005 VOLKER EISELE, Cabernet Sauvignon, Estate, Napa Valley-$35.00
It seems that working in the wine biz in this economy is getting more and more surreal all the time. Like when a winery has a new release, realizes it still has a few boxes left on an older, superior vintage, and decides to discount that one instead of softening the price on the new one. Well, whatever, we’ll take it. Volker Eisele is one of those wineries that has been around forever and has somehow remained a little below many peoples’ radars. They’ve also been farming organically and sustainably since way before it was considered hip to do so. Situated on the northeastern corner of the Napa Valley in the Chiles Valley AVA, these grapes enjoy a long growing season, the vines are meticulously thinned, and the end result is a wine of power, elegance, and balance. The blend is roughly 85% Cab, 10% Merlot, and 5% Franc, with dominant Cabernet flavors of blackberry and currant, Bordeaux-esque notes of cedar, mineral, and spice. It was pretty tightly wound on release but is now drinking fabulously and will easily continue to age for another decade. Originally $42, this is a great deal on one of the great sleepers of the vintage.

2006 SCOTT HARVEY WINES, “Vineyard 1869”, Ancient Vine Zinfandel, Amador County-$30.00
Who could resist the opportunity to sell a wine made from America’s oldest documented Zin Vineyard. These vines were 137 years old (!) at time of the 2006 harvest, the wine was aged in neutral oak and gently “teabagged” by the winemaker, (hopefully oak, not scrote) and as the tech sheet reads, is highly expressive of Amador County “Terror”. ? What we think that means is that this is a ballsy old vine Zin that will scare the buhjesus out of you when you get a hit of this briary raspberry, tobacco, leather and spice laden plush and full bodied Zinfandel. Man up, if you dare. Muuaah!

SOME MORE RED CHEER FOR THE NEW YEAR

2006 BARREL 27, “Head Honcho”, Syrah, Santa Barbara County-$25.00
This is the hottest deal we’ve come across since the Charbay Cab that you bought so many cases of last year.  We’re not mentioning any names, but we tasted this next to a wannabe cult Syrah that comes in at $75 and this just frickin’ buried it. Barrel 27 is a clearing house for the extra barrels from McPrice Myers and Herman Story wineries, whose Syrahs regularly score in the low to mid 90s by all the major critics, and contains fruit from some of the most notable vineyards in Santa Barbara (Laetitia, Larner, and Three Creek, to name a few). These guys could justifiably be charging $50+ for a wine of this quality, but they’re just not that type. This is a massive red that oozes such flavors as boysenberry and blackberry fruit, sour cherry, burnt orange, caramel, lavender, cracked Szechwan peppercorns, cured black olives, duck fat, and dried thyme just to name a few, with ripe mouth coating tannins and a mean dose of whoop ass on the finish. The complexities of Barrel 27 are so varied that even when you’re on bottle 27 you’ll be finding new things to love about this wine. Don’t screw up by saying you only like Cab or I’m broke or some dumb shit like that.  You need this!!

2004 SPELLETICH CELARS, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley–$25.00
Here’s our next $25 dream, a follow up to the $25 Charbay. This ageworthy Cab used to be almost twice the price and we can now offer it to you for almost half price. That’s like getting two hookers for the price of one. I wonder if PGA prostitutes refer to their clients as “slicers”, “hookers”, or “worm burners” depending on the curve of their driver. The ’97 offering of this wine was the Connoisseur’s Guide #1 pick for best Cab of the vintage and mine are still very alive and well. 2004 was a great vintage and this, being 5 years off the vine is drinking perfectly with plenty of life left in it. You’ll dig the full body, solid tannin, and classic Cab flavors of black cherry, spice, earth, black plum, cassis, and Marion berry, all tied together with noninvasive neutral oak. $25 seems to be the new sweet spot these days instead of $50. As your caddy, we recommend hitting this one hard and straight and aim for your cake hole. And don’t screw it up.

REALLY TASTY WHITES

2008 ST. INNOCENT, Pinot Blanc, Freedom Hill Vineyard, Willamette Valley-$20.00
Mark Vlossak is one of Oregons premier super studs, and, unlike those in other fields, like golf or politics, he makes no attempt to hide it. If you eat lots of fish or kiss a lot of pretty girls you’re gonna need some of this crisp and clean yet surprisingly richly textured Alsace varietal white to freshen up with. Peach, spiced pear, tropical fruit, white flower, and candied ginger are the flavors Mark says you’ll experience when you taste it, and I’d add to that the braided zests of lemon and tangerine, a hint of honey dew, and a chip of slate. This is the perfect pairing for shellfish of all sorts, salmon  tartar, sushi, tossed salads, and pickled herrings, like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan, if you’re into that sort of thing. Despite the (usual) crassness of this review, you’d be really blowing it if you miss this gorgeous and well priced wine.

2008 PELERIN, “Les Tournesols”, Roussanne Blend, Paraiso Vineyard, Santa Lucia Highlands-$24.00
Yet another great wine from one of our favorite micro-producers, “Les Tournesols” (which means the sunflowers) is a blend of 72% Roussanne, blended with 19% Viognier for heightened aromatics and 9% Chard for additional roundness and weight, all sourced from a single block of vines in Monterey. Roussanne, as you probably know, is one of the noble white varietals of the northern Rhone, and, along with Riesling and a very few top notch Chardonnays, produces some of the few truly age worthy white wines in the world. Fresh and baked pommes (apple-asian pear) and dried apricot flavors play the main stage while notes of marzipan, chamomile, jasmine, honeycomb, kaffir lime leaf and the slighted suggestion of sweet French vanilla oak dance around the palate like sprites and fairies on ecstasy at a Chystal Method concert. The intensity of fruit and bracing acidity makes this a great pairing with foods of all sorts, from fish to white meats and strongly flavored Mediterranean dishes, and should allow this to develop in the bottle for another 6-10 years.

2007 WHITE ROCK, Chardonnay, Napa Valley-$27.00
In addition to being a top notch Chardonnay, this wine offers you an excellent chance to find out if your family members, friends, or neighbors need an intervention. Just call them up and ask them if they want to come share some White Rock with you. If they show up with a mirror and straw or a glass pipe, there’s a problem. “So that’s why Uncle Jimmy seemed so fidgety and wouldn’t eat the Christmas ham this year…”  If your people do right and bring glasses, they and you are in for a treat. This is definitely the best Chard I’ve tasted from this producer and among the finest examples we’ve seen from Napa in a long time. The small 2007 harvest was vinified sans malolactic fermentaition and saw a minimum of new oak during élevage. The wine shows incredible purity and depth with precisely defined varietal character and nuances of lemon curd, tarte tatin, honeysuckle, and wet stone. Easily chuggable now, this is another rare white wine that will stand the test of time.  Pick up a case and throw a few in the dungeon for 4-8 years.